You can call me Gabs! Major Whovian. 20, Long Island, St. John's Pharmacy school. Basically a two-year-old stuck in a twenty-year-old's body.
It’s strange how your childhood sort of feels like forever. Then suddenly you’re sixteen and the world becomes an hourglass and you’re watching the sand pile up at the wrong end. And you’re thinking of how when you were just a kid, your heartbeat was like a kick drum at a rock show, and now it’s just a time bomb ticking out. And it’s sad. And you want to forget about dying. But mostly you just want to forget about saying goodbye.
3 days ago2,070,991 plays
my stunning, perfect, wonderful promise ring from the most incredible man in the entire world.
i can’t help but re-read his letter full of promises and love that he gave me with the ring and tearing up. he makes me so happy, and i couldn’t imagine my life with anyone else.
i have so many things going on and it’s hard to wrap my head around it all. this past week in vegas really opened my eyes to a few things— one: it’s freaking HOT in vegas, two: i want to go back when i’m actually 21, and three: i’m so much more in love than i thought i was before the trip.
i feel like lately my tumblr and basically every form of social media has turned into me writing random thoughts down to me trying to express how much i love ryan. not that it’s a bad thing…because i’d rather be writing about being in love than complaining or being sad, you know? it’s funny, most people would drive each other crazy in a week of being together 24/7, but instead i found ways to fall in love over and over again with the boy who completely stole my heart. i saw new sides to him that i’ve never seen before, even after dating him for a year. i saw what it felt like to walk downstairs in the morning and see him there, ready to hug me and make me smile. heck, we spent a day cleaning the house together and i weirdly got a taste of what it would be like if we were to be together in the future being all domestic and living together.
i can’t even put into words how amazing yet terrifying it is to be in love. being able to hug someone so tight and feel like you couldn’t possibly be more connected to someone than you are in that moment. to literally spend time just looking into each others’ eyes and say nothing at all. to have someone there to hold your hand when you need it and wipe your tears when they fall down your face, it all sounds so much like a fantasy…and it FEELS like one, yet it’s so real.
all of it just makes me so scared. i have so many trust issues from my past that it makes it hard for me to accept that someone can love me so unconditionally. my insecurities made it hard for me to accept that i AM lovable, and that it IS possible that someone could see me as perfect the way i am. he encourages me to be strong and to become a better version of myself all of the time, but he loves me regardless of what i do or what i look like. he’s mature and handsome and wonderful and i never saw myself falling so deep for someone like him. after everything we went through in the past, who would have thought we would fall in love? who would think i’d have a beautiful promise ring on my finger and a boy who can look me in the eyes, with complete sincerity, and tell me that he wants to marry me? as much as the future scares the living daylight out of me, imagining him as my rock makes it a bit more bearable. it scares me that he has more power over me than anyone else in my entire life, and i know i wouldn’t be able to live without him. the pain would just be too great. he’s someone that came into my life unexpectedly and taught me what it really means to see a future with someone. to look at someone and know that he was meant to be by your side. someone who would make a hardworking husband and an amazing father. all of this serious-type-stuff freaks me out and would probably freak most guys out, but not him. somehow, we understand each other more than i ever thought. the way our personalities balance each other out is perfect, and provides a nourishing environment for the amazing relationship we share. i help him to reach for the stars in everything he does, and he helps pull me back down to Earth when i’m getting loopy or anxious. we’re like Yin and Yang, living in harmony.
no relationship is perfect and i would never go so far as to say that me and ryan are 100% perfectly compatible and never bicker and are 100% happy all of the time. it’s just not realistic. we get on each others’ nerves and have differences in our interests and personalities that allow us to grow and learn from one another. instead of fighting, we have patience with one another and never forget how we REALLY feel about each other. not everyone in a relationship is lucky enough to say they have that. it’s hard to fight with someone when you both do whatever possible to make sacrifices for the other person. neither of us ever ends up unhappy because we do things for each other. we compromise. we learn to put our relationship above our pride and abandon the immature jealousy and petty fighting that break so many people up. at the end of the day, if you truly love each other, you should trust each other and that means knowing that they’ll always love YOU, and no one else. it doesn’t matter who else they hangout with or talk to. all that matters is that you’re the person they go back to at the end of the day.
recently, i’ve been struggling with some stupid stuff on my own. i’ve never once felt truly jealous in my relationship with ryan, yet his ex has the power to drive me crazy. as much as it sounds crazy, she’s a threat in my eyes. even after being hurt so many times by her, he went back to her. she was his first everything, and that’s something that i can never be, which i resent more than i’d like to admit. ryan WAS my first everything, physically & emotionally. sure, i’ve had boyfriends before but i’ve never truly loved someone the way i love him. he holds a special place in my life not just as my boyfriend, but as my first. i hold that sacred, and it makes me sad that someone as evil and bad-natured as her has the honor of being his first everything. the more i think about it, though, the more i realize that worrying isn’t worth it. he hasn’t wanted to be with her, and he never wants to go back. if he did, he would’ve done that by now. his family & friends hate her and she’s the one that blatantly downgraded and cheated and was a piece of scum. her consistently finding ways to weasel her way into his life is a lost cause, and i know that he would never go back to her. at the end of the day, i’m the winner. i have what she gave up, and she knows that she lost something so amazing. maybe if she treated him better than she did, she would have been treated like a princess the way i am and would’ve been happy. they may have 3.5 years of history, but i’d be the first to say the one year me and him have are worth a lot more than their empty shell of a relationship that consisted of nothing but fighting and sneaking around. she’s just not worth the agitation anymore.
on a side note— i’m so freaking sick i can’t take it. i finished up the medication for the sinus infection but i’m worse than i was when i started. now apparently it’s a double ear infection/throat infection combination and my glands are swollen to the size of golf balls. i’m jet lagged from the flight and feel like i’m wearing away. doctor says if i don’t feel 100% better by monday i have to get bloodwork because it can be something serious. she doubts that’s the case, but hopefully the meds will really kick in.
is it’s a word that is used so loosely and colloquially that it tends to lose its meaning. people LOVE food, LOVE TV shows, LOVE certain movies. i guess it’s just funny how the same word that people use for food is used while discussing romance.
and yet, people use the word loosely in the romantic sense. everyone is so quick to declare their “love” for each other and say that they’re IN LOVE when they clearly don’t know what that is yet. maybe it sounds pretentious, i just think that people in middle school who are so young and people in high school who proclaim they’re in love after dating for two weeks— what is the value in that?
sure, when you love someone you enjoy someone’s company, you’re physically attracted to one another and get butterflies…but is that really enough to justify saying you love someone? maybe. maybe i’m old fashioned but to me being IN LOVE consists of seeing a future with someone and wanting to spend as much time as possible with them for FOREVER.
i think the key idea is that there’s a huge difference between loving someone and being IN LOVE.
in the past, i knew i loved people. i thought i was in love but thought of anything more as just an unattainable fairytale. the perfect romance-novelesque-type relationship was never something i imagined having. little did i know that all it takes is the right person, and that impossible relationship suddenly becomes possible. my old relationships were really just me settling for what i thought was the best-possible type of relationship meanwhile, little did i know, it was not even CLOSE to adequate.
as sappy as it is, ryan allows me to know what it’s like to look at someone and just know it’s right. i happen to simply see my future in the beautiful hazel eyes that stare back at me and feel nothing but blissful.
i’m just lucky, i guess.
has an interesting way of turning itself around. as much as i may have been super stressed out the last few weeks over school and family events, i’m finally de-stressed and couldn’t be happier.
i’ve been seeing old friends and re-connecting with people a lot and it makes me really happy. getting close with new people is exciting and refreshing and really something that i didn’t even realize i needed.
on top of that, i have an amazing boyfriend who has been doing everything in his power to make me happy. between our one year and hanging out since then, i’ve never felt closer to him. the promise ring he got me is beyond beautiful, and i can’t wait until it’s done getting resized so i can show it off and really enjoy it. i know i say it all the time but i’m so incredibly in love with him and wonder a lot how i could possibly be so lucky. it just feels so different being able to look at yourself and your relationship and know that you’re doing something RIGHT. you can look at a guy and think you know what, i could be with him for the rest of my life. i could see myself marrying him and having a family with him and just being plain happy for the rest of my life. this type of relationship is something i’ve always wanted, and what i thought was impossible for me to have. yet, here i am…living in a dream.
in less than a week i’m leaving for vegas with ryan’s family, and i know it’s gonna be a huge deal. it’s gonna be beyond awesome. i get to spend a week in VEGAS with the love of my life and his family. not sure it gets much better than that.
AND i finally got the job at CVS and just have to wait for the paperwork to go through before i’m working behind the counter at the pharmacy as an intern. i’ll get to make money while gaining tons of experience with an awesome manager and i think it’ll be a really great thing for me.
at this point, i’m content with the people who are in my life and who make the effort to see me. i’m content with my relationship and where things are going with my family and friends. i’m content with the fact that i have my queens house and my job in line and everything fell into place. AND i’m just plain content with my life and i’m happy to say that i can relax for two months before school starts again.